my annoying self.

people often ask how come im always in such good state with God and why I trust Him so much. Here’s the truth, im not always in good standing. Sometimes I mess up real bad, I do things I promised I wouldn’t do, I complain and nag etc. honestly, i am so annoying . But after all that I still go back to God. And I say, “hi God, I know ive messed up and its okay if you don’t want to talk… but I know you want to talk so please lets make things right”, I ask for forgiveness and move on like I did no wrong. Over time ive promised that I will never give up on me. I will never let my wrongs get in the way of my relationship with God. No matter what I do, no matter how annoying I get, ill still be back at God’s door every night . I know sometimes we feel like we done so much wrong and ure too filthy to talk to God. Lol! You shud see when im in that state. I walk straight to God and say,” I feel really filthy,please can u clean me up?” And He always does.

 

i dont care how messed up you are or what you did, All im tryin to say is everytime u do wrong, go to God first and say it like it is. Of course he will be disappointed but he loves you too much to stay mad at you. And once you ask for forgiveness, it is over, forgetten. It is finished.

 

you shud read… Psalm 103 vs 8-14

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TO ALL THE BOYS.

Wherever you are as I write this,
I hope the years have been kind.

To the boys I crushed on
For a day, a week, a month or months,
Thank you for feeding my fantasies.
To the boys who crushed right back,
But still acted just as friends,
To the boys who took my number but never called,
To the boys whose texts I never replied.

To the boys I liked but never dated,
To the boys I wish I had the courage to talk to,
To the boys that never said hello,
To the boys that walked away,
To the boys who were afraid to say how they felt,
To the boys who think we’ll be married.

To the boys I couldn’t see beyond friend zone
for reasons i may never be able to say,
To the boys who have only wanted to be just friends,
To the boys I never admitted I had feelings for,
To that one boy I dated,
To the boys whose feelings I hurt.

To the boys who wouldn’t take no for an answer,
To the boys I wish I would meet again,
To the ones I wish I wouldn’t.
To the boys I imagine a future with,
To the boys that have respected me,
To that one boy that still crosses my mind.

To my brothers, the first boys I ever met,
Thank you for showing me that
There are still good guys in the world.
To the boys whose names ill never know,
and those I do not remember.

Wherever you are as I write this,
I hope the years have been kind.

RIDING HOME

I sit here ,quite faraway from you,
Im looking at you but I’ll turnaway
If you should even glance my way,
My eyes move from your shoes
To your clothes , then your hair,
Finally I rest my gaze on your face..

Are you happy?
I turn and look out the window,
And for a minute,
I listen to the song playin through my earphones,

Do you look back at ur life and smile
Or are you filled with nothing but regret?
Do you have kids and do they love you?
I look back at you to see if you are
Wearing a wedding band.

Your husband, is he alive?
Do you still love him like you did
The day you said your vows?
How long has it been?
30 years or more? Or maybe less,

Have you cried more than you’ve laughed,
Did you get to achieve all your childhood dreams?
Is there something you always wished for
But never got the chance to have?
Are you afraid of dying?

I glance back at your shoes and think
“do you have enough…’
Just then the bus comes to a halt
I fling by school bag over my shoulder,
Look back at you one more time,
I walk to the door thinking
“Are you happy?”

I step out of the bus with no answer
To any of my questions,
The bus drives off and I walk right back
Into my life, before meeting the old lady.

GRAY

You remind me of the midnight sky
Filled with twinkling stars,
Calm,soothing,quiet and serene.

I am travelling back in time,
So I can at least make some moments
from the past, somehow close to present,
You are special.

Somehow a year has taught me,
What the days were a little afraid to show.
Somehow you wove your way into a part of me,
A part i’ll always remember.
Time really does have a way of letting you know
Who will always be important,
Ill sing with you.

Ill sing with you all the songs,
The slow-rock and weirdly beautiful melodies
That our favourite bands make,
Music is our connection, our common ground.
Time has taught me that too.
Allow me to stare…

Allow me to stare at the immense authenticity
That you exude, your mind is like fire,
Burning with the most amazing yet
Strangely believable insight, don’t let it waste.

Remember the calculator,
It touched my heart  in ways I cant explain,
Ill tell my little girls of moments like that,
You put me first, wore your heart on your sleeve,
I may not have known it right then,
But you won a spot on my paper heart,
You’re my inspiration.

The lines on my palm
Are a constant reminder of you.
I never knew I had some many lines
but you showed me,
that’s something I may never have noticed,
had our paths not intertwined.

I look forward to seeing how your life turns out,
All the moments we had, I didn’t exactly cherish,
I do now, time taught me that…Ill never forget u,
I call u GRAY.

DEAR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD-ME

Dear eighteen-year-old-me,
Just incase the sun does not shine tomorrow,
Be sure to have a flashlight in your backpack
And some extra batteries, Duracell preferably
Because one thing is certain,
Whether you’re ready or not, Life will go on.

Everyday you wake up to the light of a new day ,
Is an opportunity to love, laugh,Forgive, fight,
and never ever  give up, As long as you’re still breathing,
Quitting should never be an option.

I want you to not only see the world but feel the world,
Let your heart be your eyes,
Look beyond every sunset and every tear,
And even as you have your eyes up and wide open,
Don’t be afraid to look down and watch your step,
Not every ground on which you stand is solid ground.

Your heart and your head combined,
Make the most efficient and powerful GPS ever,
As you navigate your way through life,
Don’t be afraid to stop and smell the roses,
Make out time for friends and family,
Don’t go through life as if you’ll live forever,
Take time out to breathe…. you need to.

you see your heart,
it’s going to get broken a couple of times,
but there’s no heart too broken that God cant fix,
so don’t be afraid to take calculated risks,
the results may not turn out how u want ’em to,
but one thing’s certain, if u fall,
God will be waiting with his arms stretched out.

Dear eighteen year old me,
I’m pretty sure you still have many more years to live
And many more things you’re yet to be,
Don’t live in anger of the past or fear of tomorrow,
And just in case tomorrow doesn’t come,
I hope u can look back and smile.

LOVE LETTER TO MY INANIMATE PARENTS.

The first day I arrived here on earth,

You welcomed me and let me lay on you,

I tossed and turned and wailed,

I even spent most of my time sleeping.

Im pretty sure I was such a bore.

But you never left me.

 

You’ve watched me grow from a baby to a teen

And over the years you’ve gotten married,

You have a lot of wives, I hear. Polygamist?

Haha! Who would have thought?

Yet you still love and have space for me,

A lot of space.

 

The night my heart got broken you were there

You let me cry. I hugged your wife so tight,

Im still amazed she was still there in the morn.

All the nights, I had a fever and couldn’t sleep,

And the other nights, I lay awake thinking of someone,

You made me comfortable enough to drift away

To dreamland.

 

Dear bed,

This is  my love letter to you.

Thank you for being there when I need you,

For your patience and for never hurting me.

Please thank the pillows, your wives,

For all the love they’ve shown me.

My heart swells with love for you.

I hate to leave you in the mornings,

But ill always be home with you every night.

Hugs

I like hugs,
The interlocking of bodies
In a simple yet complex act of love
Is indeed magical.

The ordinary overlapping of arms
And the resting of heads on shoulders,
In the slightest quest for comfort,
Goes way beyond the physical.
In those single moments,
An expression deeper than words
Is silently coined into existence.

I like hugs,
The light, welcoming hello-hugs,
Quick and rather shallow,
The tight and clingy goodbye hugs,
Intimate and time stuttering,
The enthusiastic, love filled thank-you-hugs,
Surrounded by gratitude,
The weak bodied, strong-support hugs,
Between a broken heart and a friend.

Hugs tell stories,
I love stories.

I love hugs,
They are a mumble jumble of priceless emotions,
Rolled into a simple yet almost-ordinary act.