dinner with my past.

I got your nicely wrapped parcel in the mail,

Your memory is ever so vivid.

The clips of moments I would choose to forget,

The sound of voices that randomly play in my head,

The acts of shame and betrayal, I earnestly want to forget.

You remembered every bit

And you sent them in the parcel with an invitation.

 

My life was going pretty well, you know,

I hadn’t shed a tear in so long,

My eyes were finally learning how to smile,

I was starting to really forget.

It didn’t hurt as much anymore.

And everything, every pain was numb.

 

I agreed to have dinner with you,

Because I have something to say,

‘i refuse to let you control me.

I refuse to be bitter and angry at people

And about things that happened long ago,

I refuse to beat myself up over mistakes I made,

And people I hurt. I forgive myself.’

 

I have the present to live in and

The future to look forward to.

If I’m ever confronted with bad memories ,

I will only look at them and see how far I’ve come.

They will only be a reflection of how much stronger and wiser I am.

Next time you send me a parcel,

Attach a note saying “you’ve come a long way”.

 

“I hope you enjoyed dinner” I said.

I asked  the waiter for my bill , paid it off,

grabbed my purse and walked away never looking back.

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can we just listen?

Silence please!!!

I hear the voice in my head scream those two words.

I have spent the last few days reading, listening and

digesting the product of the insensitivity of humans.

 

Are we so immersed in the ways of the world that

We do not recognize the effect of the words we utter?

Have we no care ? have we no heart? have we no feelings

to understand that words not only hurt the mind but bruise the soul?

 

Freedom of speech I hear……freedom my foot!

Nothing is free, we fail to realize this.

Your words only heal or kill, mend or break, build or destroy,

Have you not heard?  The power of life and death lies in the tongue.

 

So why then are we so oblivious?

Every time I try to listen, all I hear is noise.

Can we all just stop and listen to what we say?

Can we be selfless enough to care about each other?

 

This was not the plan.

that we’d rip each other apart with hurtful words.

everyone’s talking but no one’s listening to their own voice,

I am constantly trying to drown out all this noise.

my head is quite sore But we can fix this.

So let your conversation always be graceful and seasoned with salt.

reference Colossians 4:6

enough.

sometimes when i’m hungry, i stop for a couple of seconds and feel the pangs of hunger. i allow myself to feel and understand what it means to be hungry. i tell myself “There are kids out in the world somewhere that feel this way every second and cannot do anything about it. ” they do not have enough to rid themselves of the growls in their tummy. i remind myself how blessed and privileged i am and i never forget to say a prayer for all the people who go to bed hungry. i pray that one day, they would have enough…. more than enough. ♥

i like to think that i am a christian.

I don’t know about you but I hate watching or reading stories of people who went to heaven and hell and all that. I hate it because it makes me feel useless. It makes me feel like I can never make heaven. It scares me and it makes me question myself, my life etc. I have even asked God why he created me because I don’t think I can make it. I feel like a failure.

But lately I have been feeling very disconnected from God. I think it started December last year. And I know why. There is this thing that I have been struggling with for so long and I can’t seem to move past it. For a couple of weeks, whenever I opened my bible, it always led to a passage that talked about God’s wrath and anger. And how he was disappointed etc. I would quickly close my bible and Just sleep. I did not know that God was trying to say something to me.

Today, I took a break from my study and went on Facebook.  I saw a post about the Ugandan pastor that had an encounter with God . I scrolled past it. But I felt something compel me to listen. It was an hour and thirty seven minutes long, I was a bit discouraged but I started to listen.

Mid-way through the pastor’s testimony, I finally got it. My bible passage encounter was quite similar to that of the pastor. God was angry with me and that’s what he has been trying to tell me all along. He has been trying to get my attention. In everyone’s eyes, I’m such a devout Christian. Hey guys, I’m not. I am a sinner just like you. And I am ashamed. I try, believe me I do. May be just not hard enough but the point is that God is upset and tired of the way I live.

I no longer live for God, as much as I think I do, I don’t. I live for people. I am so concerned about what people think and what people would say. But God doesn’t want me to worry about all that. He just wants me to live in faith and trust and just live for him. He doesn’t want me to care about being the cool kid or hot girl or whatever, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. It never has and never will. God is also very interested in the way we treat others. Respect and be kind to one another.

You see, everything you have ever done is before God. He knows and he sees. You can’t hide. The deepest secret of your heart he knows. I know that it is hard, and there are so many distractions and so many things that seem to get your attention. No human effort can put you in right standing with God. That’s why he sent the Holy Spirit. To help you, guide you, comfort you and give you strength. God will help you if you ask. He will walk with you all the way, every single step.

But we need to change. We live in so much sin, it is almost normal. We can’t see the difference between what is bad and what is not. I see people on twitter whose bios say #teamjesus yet you tweet about sex and all the immoral things? Can’t u even see the irony? God’s heart is breaking. We need to stop hurting him. (myself included). Most Christians often wonder why non-Christians blaspheme against God, it is because of us, Christians. The way we live, the things we say….. etc. we do not respect God, so why would they?

“and that’s it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and Judge it according to ITS HIDDEN INTENT, whether it is good or evil” Ecclesiastes 12:14. We will all be judged one day. Please live right. I know it feels like there are so many rules but just take it one step at a time. We will make it. We all can.

For the first time I do not feel like I’m a failure. I feel like God loves me so much. He wants me to make it to heaven. Heaven is worth waiting for. Even when it gets tiring and annoying please don’t give up. Find Christian friends, they will help pull you up when you’re falling. I am human too and I know I will make mistakes but my plan is to never give up. I get afraid sometimes but God is right beside me every step of the way urging me on.  He will never leave.

i’m not here to judge you or condemn you. i mean who am i to even dare?  i just want to encourage you try and if you are already trying, try  harder. it will all be worth it in the end.

Two more things before I go,

  • We all need to read our bibles. It is important. It is like a map to an unknown world. The bible will guide us. It is the book with the only truth. It will keep us from deception and will keep us on the right track.
  • Jesus loves you and He wants you to be part of his family. Everything he did on the cross was for you. You are worth it.

Oh yeah, if you are interested in the Ugandan man’s testimony. Here’s the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2YUaeyditU .It is quite lengthy but worth the watch.

and this is just something to encourage you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc&list=FLaTdKnKPPu4ODkztxEEvaiA&index=3&feature=plpp_video

God bless you and give you the grace to carry on in the Christian race. ❤ ❤