In Loving Memory of who I was 3 years ago.

I think that videos, pictures and journals are ultimately important parts of our lives.
They capture us in a moment, a feeling, a phase, a season and most importantly, in our entirety.
They capture an outpour of happiness or rage, hope or fear or nothingness.
They capture us as girls or almost-women, boys or almost-men, or neither.
We are suspended in time in that one moment…and everything we are is captured as well.
All the things we believe about ourselves, all the things we are afraid of,
Our view of the world, our hopes… dreams… all caught in a single moment.

I was just watching a video I made 3 years ago and right from the sound of my voice I could tell that I am a different person from who i was then. I could actually hear it. I had just finished W.A.E.C, I was about to go home, but I decided to make a quick video of all my classmates (I’m so glad I did).

Looking at our due hairs, skinny wrists, makeup-free faces and extremely visible neck bones, I can see hope and exuberance for life glittering in our eyes. We were children so ready to take on the world, our dreams seemed attainable…. We didn’t want to write N.E.C.O, we just wanted to graduate from secondary school and face the world.

We would sit around in circles and talk about College; how we would dress, if we’d go to clubs or not, if we would date white boys or not and all the things we wanted to achieve. Renowned Lawyers, doctors, engineers, MBGNs, talk show hosts, politicians, C.E.Os. , As far as I can remember, we had big dreams. We all wanted to find true love, we all loved Jesus.

I spoke a little more pidgin English then, than I do now (I guess I realized I sounded awful so I just stopped). I had all these ideologies and beliefs on how the world should work. I had a picture in my head of how my life would play out. I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew I hated business. I didn’t like tattoos and I wanted to be a writer.

Zooming in on my classmates’ faces with my camera, I can see they all felt the way I did. We just couldn’t wait to be done with boarding school and all that came with it. We wanted to grow up and make our own decisions. In that classroom, *moving my camera from person to person* some were in love with people who didn’t love them back , some had people who loved them but they didn’t feel the same, some others wished someone would like them…. the others really didn’t care.

We had spent a maximum of six years in each other’s lives. We slept in the same dormitory, borrowed sports wear shorts and shirts, we made deals with our foods, we knew who liked Thursday fish and who didn’t, we knew our families, we played on the same soccer field, we knew our strengths and weakness, and we were family!

We are all different now. I am different. I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore. I think tattoos are cool. I love being a business student and I still want to be a writer (that hasn’t changed). I’m sure a lot of us have had a change of heart about a lot of things. We’ve grown and we’ve found ourselves. We’ve put on some weight and lost some. We understand that people are entitled to their own religious beliefs. Some have had questions about all we were taught at bible club… some have found answers. Some haven’t. Some smoke weed, drink lots of beer, and talk about sex alot.

We have seen that making friends is not as easy and we can’t stop reminiscing about high school days. We have seen that we owe the world our kindness and even good people are victims of tragedy. We realize we have to work extra hard to be extra ordinary and if we want success, we have to go out and find it.

I am sitting here looking at my sixteen-year-old self, listening to my voice and hearing my laugh. If there is one thing I would say to her, it would be, “life will push you and bend you but you won’t break, you will grow. You will be a witness to miracles and you will hear of tragedies… all of these will teach you to appreciate life. The pursuit of happiness is futile…. aim for wholeness. Do not wait for anyone … Chase your dreams no matter what! and Finally, Learn !…read !…write ! and grow!  Believe in that fire in your heart and in your eyes… most of all Believe in the one who put it there.”

And If there’s one thing I want from the girl in this video…. It is the fearlessness in her voice and in her spirit. The belief that she could do anything.. Be anything. I really want that back.

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30 thoughts on “In Loving Memory of who I was 3 years ago.

  1. Oh my goodness, Darling! I didn’t want it to end. This perfectly describes my own life in boarding school. Love, love this so much. So proud of you. I still re-live my days in high school, maybe more than I should. Life is rough as an adult and those were undoubtedly the best 6 years of my life. I think it was:
    1. The people I had grown to love
    2. I was free to dream as wide and high as possible, but being older, I’m afraid. Afraid to take risks and put myself out there, afraid to fail.
    3. I think it was then I was most filled with wonder, now, I can’t really say much about that.
    Gosh, you can tell this piece deeply resonated with me. Thanks for voicing my thoughts so eloquently.

    1. oh Nneka, You get it ! You get exactly how i feel. i think about high school so much. How easy it was back then and how the world was up for grasps or so it seemed. ! i really connect with your number 2. i am constantly pushing myself to dream big again.. and to go out and make those dreams a reality.

      I am so glad you liked it. Thank you so much for reading this and leavning a comment.
      Love xx

  2. Awww I love this, it made me tear up :’)…I miss high school SO MUCH. I met the best people there, life was so easy back then. And the “others didn’t really care” part reminds me of me lol, but now there is a lot to care about *sigh* 😦

  3. Is that you Funmi !!! Go gal you still have your fearlessness ,your fire…..to pour out as you do in these journals is proof ,,,so go out there ,conquer the World.

  4. I love this….as always! i think everyone has almost the same story to tell. i never stop talking about my high school friends and experiences. As flighty as memories are, I think these ones are here to stay….

  5. If i’ve said it once, then i’ve said it a million times, if I didn’t know me wasn’t you, I would strongly insist you was me…
    *sigh*…right down to the boarding house food deals. Borrowed uniforms (I didn’t like to share clothing tho), reluctance to write neco, fiery dreams in our eyes and hearts and the belief we could take on the world and all ,I remember that me…I saw her&others in the image your words created.I definitely couldn’t agree more@ your concise description of the profound,amazing depth&capturing powers pictures, videos and journals have got…

    Thank you for getting in my head and pencil-ing memories categorized as ruminated,unshared thoughts …

    Bless your heart dear!

  6. sigh. i know this post was a year ago but i’m just reading it, so its new. boarding school is life. there’s nothing i can add to what you and Lizzie already said. thanks for the post

  7. I came back again because this is still one of my favourite pieces till date. I even shed a tear *sub*
    I love how well you captured high school. It still seems so fresh to me even though it was almost 7 years ago. I really do miss my care free 17 year old self, but my 23 year old self has seen things. At 23, I just want wholeness, which to me, is letting all of life (the good & bad) happen to me. Essentially, letting myself feel all things.

    1. I haven’t read this piece in a really long time. I just read it again and I am thinking of all the ways I am different from when I wrote it. It’s funny how high school still feels fresh in our memories, even though for me it has been almost 6 years now. At 22, I want wholeness too. Attaining wholeness can be painful because sometimes I wish I could escape the hurtful parts of life but I can’t. I don’t get to check out because life pinches ever now and then. Thank you for bringing me back here. I have so much to reflect on ❤️

  8. You’re my new favorite person in the world! I’ve been up all night going through your posts, and they all speak to me. This one in particular, thank you for being an amazing writer 😊

    1. You’re going to make me cry (I’m feeling particularly emotional today). Thank you so much! This means everything. ❤️ Are you on Twitter? Let’s be friends 🙂

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