Your heart is not a dance floor or a waiting room

To my daughters I will say,
Never let anyone use your heart for a waiting room,
Don’t let them come in and sit, and walk around and play,
Not knowing exactly what they want to do with you.
Don’t let him stay, don’t entertain his play,
Don’t let him practice his waltz in and out of your life,
For your heart is not a dance floor; it is a home.
Ask for what you want and if he cannot give it to you,
You walk away.
Don’t spend another minute, hoping he will come around,
Because he won’t.

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A reminder to take compliments

When the middle aged woman at the gas station says your hair is beautiful,
Don’t respond with how much time it takes you to put it in place every morning,
Just say “Thank you” and mean it.
When the cashier at the coffee shop says he likes the way your clavicle serves as a frame for your necklace,
Don’t tell him you don’t really like wearing clothes that bare your bones,
Tell him Clavicle sounds like a cup of white chocolate latte when he says it and thank him.
When your best friend tells you, you look like a stunner in that black dress,
Take it. Don’t complain about your arms beings too flabby or your cleavage being non existent.
Buy that back dress and wear it like glove.
When the lousy piece of glass in your bathroom, glows with your reflection,
Wear red lipstick. Spend a few more minutes wing-tipping that eyeliner to perfection,
Don’t walkaway without paying homage to yourself.
I implore you, don’t respond to kindness with insecurity.
Don’t belittle the fact that you own something worth admiring or the fact that someone finds you beautiful,
Before you leave home, leave your insecurities under your bed,
Don’t take the monsters with you. Step into the world like the forces are in your favour.
Say thank you in earnest. Accept Compliments; they aren’t yours to dignify.

If i marry a writer

“I never thought about how magnificent it would be to date and maybe eventually marry someone who writes, until now. It is so strange that in all my years of answering the question “what kind of guy would you like to date?”, I never imagined him being a writer. I never imagined the love of my life being as in love with poetry and art like i am. I feel like i just had an epiphany.

I would very much love to date/marry a man who is in touch with his creative side when it comes to art. A man who appreciates literature and listens to spoken word . A man who spends his evenings beside the fire or out by the waters, nose buried in a book. A man who will join me in my mission to build a beautiful glorious library in our home. A man who keeps a journal and write tirelessly about anything; our life, our future, our kitchen, our now.

I imagine, he would complete some of my poems and i would practice performing them with him. He will find poetry in the lines on my palm, prose in the curve of my hips and mystery in the small of my back. Our love will blossom with every book we consume, every author we fall in love with, every art we create.

We will take care of each others hands, mind and heart because they are our instruments. We will create sons and daughters who will be literary giants with gentle artistic hearts. We will teach them to love and love and love and then create. Because writers are lovers first before creators. We will open their eyes to the multi-faceted beauty of this world. We will teach them to dream in colour.

If i marry a writer, It will be a gift. Our lives will be the most beautiful poem laden with joy, pain, forgiveness, laughter and most of all Love. We will love each other until we are completed works of art. A little tweak here,a little tweak there; and we shall proceed to walk this earth, hand in hand, in all our artful splendour.”

My Acceptance Peace

I am at peace because I have finally accepted the imperfections in my blood.
And No! I am not just saying this. I have taken the time to consider the magnitude of this utterance.
I accept that my mother, my father and the bible have taught me the difference between right and wrong,
And I will honour their labour of love by striving to be in the right but sometimes I will choose wrong.
I accept that the fact that I love Jesus does not strip me of the stains in my heart or the darkness I will be fighting all of my days.
I accept that I am afraid of the future but oh! so excited for it; yet I must only live one day at a time.
I realize that even the people I love will hurt me and I will hurt the people who have decided to set up camp in my heart.
Hence, my life will always be a never ending cycle of love, hurt, forgiveness and love again,
I understand that I will not always be happy. I will not always “be in happy”,
Because happiness is not an exotic island, happiness is not a destination. I cannot travel there.
Some days life will bring me to my knees then push me to the ground but I will still breathe in hope like sweet oxygen,
I accept that some days will be harder than some others; I will even forget what patience means,
I will not always be sweet-kind-go-lucky, some days I will spell indifferent.
I have accepted that I am a human being.

I am three hundred and sixty five days of different emotions,
I am January 15, March 19, September 12, November 30, December 9 …. I am every single day
And I need to allow myself to be human.
I accept the responsibility to let myself grieve a lost love, to hurt from an unkind word, to cry when I am disappointed, to be angry when something is terribly unacceptable,
I accept that I do not always have to be in control and that some days my dreams will seem incredibly out of reach,
I understand the need to let it be. To let it be. To let everything and everyone be.
I accept that every day I will fight to be better, braver, stronger, and kinder
and soon I will evolve into the woman the stars have been shinning for.

In Loving Memory of who I was 3 years ago.

I think that videos, pictures and journals are ultimately important parts of our lives.
They capture us in a moment, a feeling, a phase, a season and most importantly, in our entirety.
They capture an outpour of happiness or rage, hope or fear or nothingness.
They capture us as girls or almost-women, boys or almost-men, or neither.
We are suspended in time in that one moment…and everything we are is captured as well.
All the things we believe about ourselves, all the things we are afraid of,
Our view of the world, our hopes… dreams… all caught in a single moment.

I was just watching a video I made 3 years ago and right from the sound of my voice I could tell that I am a different person from who i was then. I could actually hear it. I had just finished W.A.E.C, I was about to go home, but I decided to make a quick video of all my classmates (I’m so glad I did).

Looking at our due hairs, skinny wrists, makeup-free faces and extremely visible neck bones, I can see hope and exuberance for life glittering in our eyes. We were children so ready to take on the world, our dreams seemed attainable…. We didn’t want to write N.E.C.O, we just wanted to graduate from secondary school and face the world.

We would sit around in circles and talk about College; how we would dress, if we’d go to clubs or not, if we would date white boys or not and all the things we wanted to achieve. Renowned Lawyers, doctors, engineers, MBGNs, talk show hosts, politicians, C.E.Os. , As far as I can remember, we had big dreams. We all wanted to find true love, we all loved Jesus.

I spoke a little more pidgin English then, than I do now (I guess I realized I sounded awful so I just stopped). I had all these ideologies and beliefs on how the world should work. I had a picture in my head of how my life would play out. I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew I hated business. I didn’t like tattoos and I wanted to be a writer.

Zooming in on my classmates’ faces with my camera, I can see they all felt the way I did. We just couldn’t wait to be done with boarding school and all that came with it. We wanted to grow up and make our own decisions. In that classroom, *moving my camera from person to person* some were in love with people who didn’t love them back , some had people who loved them but they didn’t feel the same, some others wished someone would like them…. the others really didn’t care.

We had spent a maximum of six years in each other’s lives. We slept in the same dormitory, borrowed sports wear shorts and shirts, we made deals with our foods, we knew who liked Thursday fish and who didn’t, we knew our families, we played on the same soccer field, we knew our strengths and weakness, and we were family!

We are all different now. I am different. I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore. I think tattoos are cool. I love being a business student and I still want to be a writer (that hasn’t changed). I’m sure a lot of us have had a change of heart about a lot of things. We’ve grown and we’ve found ourselves. We’ve put on some weight and lost some. We understand that people are entitled to their own religious beliefs. Some have had questions about all we were taught at bible club… some have found answers. Some haven’t. Some smoke weed, drink lots of beer, and talk about sex alot.

We have seen that making friends is not as easy and we can’t stop reminiscing about high school days. We have seen that we owe the world our kindness and even good people are victims of tragedy. We realize we have to work extra hard to be extra ordinary and if we want success, we have to go out and find it.

I am sitting here looking at my sixteen-year-old self, listening to my voice and hearing my laugh. If there is one thing I would say to her, it would be, “life will push you and bend you but you won’t break, you will grow. You will be a witness to miracles and you will hear of tragedies… all of these will teach you to appreciate life. The pursuit of happiness is futile…. aim for wholeness. Do not wait for anyone … Chase your dreams no matter what! and Finally, Learn !…read !…write ! and grow!  Believe in that fire in your heart and in your eyes… most of all Believe in the one who put it there.”

And If there’s one thing I want from the girl in this video…. It is the fearlessness in her voice and in her spirit. The belief that she could do anything.. Be anything. I really want that back.

this isn’t a poem; it is anything you want it to be.

These days I do whatever I want, however I want and whenever I want to. I have no time fighting battles I shouldn’t be fighting. I am learning to trivialize issues that are trivial, learning to free my mind.

These days only a few people matter so much, hence only a few opinions actually matter. I have little to no expectations from most people, with the remaining few, i still have some expectations ,But in God, I place all my expectations. I know if i don’t get what I want, I probably didn’t need it or i’m getting something better. It still hurts, most times.

My relationship with God is the most important thing to me right now (it should always be the most important) . If I don’t stay connected to Him, everything falls apart but in Him, I am held together, I stay together.

Everyday,  i realize how imperfect i am, and i have decided to stop trying to fix things, I have decided to let it be. Imperfect is beautiful if you ask me (I hope you ask me). It is amazing how much beauty i get to see just by opening my eyes a little more.

The goal is to be the best i can be and make the best of all I have been given while I still have air filling my lungs. I have no rivals, no competitions all I have is one life, one heart and a voracious desire to live the best life possible…. one that will still shine long after i’m gone.

I do not have to prove anything to anyone but I do have one thing to prove to myself and that is that I can live my life fearlessly.

It’s been a long day.

This is for the days like today,
When I do not feel pretty.
When I look in the mirror and
all I see are my imperfections
glaring at me, all the things
I would like to change,all the things
that should be invisible but aren’t,
Imperfect me, this is for you.

This is for days like today,
When I do not feel good enough
or smart enough.. anything but enough,
where every fibre of my being is weak
and unable to climb, slipping when I try.
the mountains seem higher than usual,
and it is raining harder than it should,
There’s not a shred of self esteem left.

This is for days like today,
when this is the hardest poem to write,
because my words aren’t coming out right,
because maybe I am not as good a poet as I think,
Maybe this is all a lie, my lines.. my poems,
Maybe i have been tricked into thinking that
my words somehow make a difference..

This is for days like today,
when every smile has been half fake,
every laugh has belted out with a little sadness,
every mindless thought has been devoted
to all the things that seem to be going wrong,
This is for feeling alone,
Like God doesn’t love me, like no one does,
Like i’m really alone in all of this.

This is the lowest i have ever felt,
The lowest i hope to ever feel.
No one should ever have to feel this way.

This is for me
and everyone else in the darkness tonight.
for the broken and the lost,the lonely and the hurt,
this is for you. I am with you.
wherever you are, Imagine I am holding your hand,
sitting in the corner with you,feeling with you.
Let this poem be a hug,
the warmest you have ever received.
I am with you in this darkness,
and Tomorrow we shall find the light.

Chin up.

Don’t do that.
Don’t walk around
with your head bent,
and your shoulders drained,
because you are unable to forgive yourself.

Don’t tell me I won’t understand,
how you stuffed a jar with the usual
“this-is-the-last-time” promise,
But found yourself burning it to the ground.

Don’t you dare tell me you don’t deserve
all the love and good tidings life has brought you,
because you have fallen more times,
than you have been standing.
Because you haven’t stopped bleeding,
from all your many wounds.

Chin up, Lover.
We are all human.
More human that we would ever dare admit.
And humanity, in its complete state,
demands that we crack and fall and break and bruise.
For we are sons and daughters of this scarred earth,
incapable of perfection but dripping beauty and goodness.

So please don’t tell me all the reasons why,
I shouldn’t think the world of you.
Your fine points and flaws have come together
to make the most beautiful work of art- your entire being.
Just take a look at you,
God must have been thinking the finest thoughts
when he wrote and sculpted you into existence.

Losing.

The smallest form of investment
without return will hurt.
It is impossible to put
even little bit of your heart
in something or someone,
and not feel a pang in your chest,
if it fails to thrive.

Losing HURTS.
Don’t believe anyone who says otherwise.

Can i guarantee harvest for your sowing?
No. But i can guarantee two things
there are NO safe investments
and you will grow with every step YOU take.

12 lessons from 2012.

1.My life, My Responsibility:- It is important to remember that you are responsible for every aspect of your life. The things you do or don’t do, the things you say or don’t say… all of it. You decide what happens, when it happens and how it happens (mostly for things you can control).

2.Your body is your temple, your home, treat it as such :- Your home should be a place you love so love your body. If you don’t like the way it looks go to the gym, go for walks, eat healthy… crying about your weight wont change it. Work it out! ( sadly, it’s not as easy as it sounds 😦 )

3.Miracles happen:- Your whole life is one huge miracle. If you don’t believe that, at least believe you are someone’s miracle or you can be a part of making someone else’s miracle happen. Don’t overlook the little miracles of everyday like waking up, sunrise, your beating heart etc. Watch out for the miracles, they are everywhere.

4.Be open minded:- Close minded people are not cool. yup! i said it. Well, that’s just my opinion. You’ve got to be willing to hear people out. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or belittle your beliefs or philosophies. There’s just so much knowledge to be learned and ideologies to be discussed. Who knows, you could find/learn something that totally blows your mind :).

5.Your heart is stronger than you think.

6. Working out is hard *weeps for 5 mins* So i tried to stay fit this year and it was hard but i survived. you could run for 30 mins and still not lose all the calories you get from eating a burger 😦 (i still eat burgers and feel guilty after). lol! but really it is important to watch what you eat, so you dont work out too hard (that’s what i try to do) 😀

7. Be patient:- Things will happen when they must and Love is a responsilibilty:- you need to be ready for it. Don’t rush it. Love will arrive when it must and probably leave when it should.(i’m sorry)

8. Wisdom is the principal thing:- Dear friends, they say life is short but life can also be long, pretty long actually. Wisdom is what balances your decisions in the light of the brevity or longevity of life. Wisdom breeds balance and balance is very essential in every area of your life.

9. Surround yourself with good people:- I know you hear this alot but it is of great importance. I cannot over-emphasis how important this is. The people you hang out with affect what you talk about, the things you are involved in and they also influence decision you make (sometimes). Be with the right people, so you can rub off on each other’s awesomeness :).

10. Do not limit yourself:- I was working on a bucket list for my strategic marketing class and while writing all the things i would like to achieve, i realized i was trying be realistic and not dreaming big enough. I read somewhere that If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough. So dream big, no one can stop you from wanting great things for yourself, infact you owe it to yourself, also you need to make those dreams come true. WHY? because YOU CAN.

11. Don’t get so used to the art of living:- I’ll tell you a secret, there’s so much beauty to be experienced in this life, don’t get so used to living (everyday routines) that you don’t see them anymore. Look for beauty in the simple mundane things that occur everyday, you’ll be amazed, very amazed and “if you pay attention, everything becomes your teacher.”

12. God is real:- This year i met alot of people who didn’t believe in God and people who were once Christians but are not anymore and it really bothered me. i had moments of confusion and disbelief and all i had to do was pray “God, i need you to show up. I want to know you are real” and He did. (well i had to read my bible and pray more; basically spend time with Him). God’s love is true , we are awesome because He loves us. 🙂

Jeremiah 29:13 – “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.

i hope this inspires you and helps you in the new year. Live like only you can. HAPPY 2013 and God bless.

Thank you for stopping by. 

xx

New Baltshire.

Should i ever visit in the summer,
with my pencil and journal in hand,
i will find a coffee shop at the center of the city,
a seat next to the window and with my favorite muffin,
i will watch as beautiful souls walk by me.
i will drink in the beauty of this city,
while thinking of all the streets you must have walked.
and i will write about it.

i might occasionally stir my coffee absent-mindedly
as i picture you driving across town to see a movie
or get some grocery. but don’t be too concerned,
for i will paint you into the portrait of this beautiful city
unraveling before my beauty seeking eyes.

Should i ever visit in the fall or spring,
i would still find a coffee shop at the center of the city.
i will spend a couple of minutes watching the raindrops
race each other to the bottom of the window-pane.
i’ll be cheering them on with every fibre of my being,
and the winner will feel like it just won the lottery.

So tell me, what do you do on rainy days?
do the gloomy skies inspire you?
do you even notice how perfect rainy days are for those who cry?
notice how the sky cries with them? for it wouldn’t let them cry alone?
do you get mad because the rain ruined your outdoor plans?
or do you jump at the chance to stay indoors, turn up the music
and perhaps do a little dance?
i hope you do, it’ll be so divine.

But if i visit when you have moved away,
i will find a map and trace where you once called home,
i will walk the streets at night staring at the stars,
wondering if you ever noticed them too.
Should it rain, i will stand like the statue of liberty,
not moved, as the waters trace my skin, knowing they probably traced yours,
should the sun shine, i will bask in the light of the sun on my soul,
knowing the sun probably smiled at you every moment you were here.

My darling, it would be the most fulfilling journey,
and such a beautiful memories will i make.
i will visit, at least i hope to, i really want to.
and i really hope you’ll still be in town.

BE REAL :- It’s okay not to be okay.

Everyone likes to be strong. Everyone likes to look their best. Everyone likes to be in control, Nobody wants to be vulnerable. Infact i believe it is human nature to always put up an every-thing-is-just-fine facade and sometimes we lie. Most times,our worlds seem to be falling apart and all we can do is just watch it fall.

i have come to understand that being a christian does not guarantee a perfect life. Being a christian guarantees that i have a perfect God who is working all the imperfect things in my life for my good. There are days when i wont be okay, i wont be happy, i wont be understand what’s going on and that’s okay. We all get those days.

The key thing is, if you cant be real with anyone, be real with God. i mean, he already knows you’re angry or confused or something of that sort. so Why pray to Him as if all is right? if you’re angry, say you’re angry. if you’re hurt, say it like it is.Just don’t be disrespectful.

Telling God how you feel doesn’t mean you don’t trust him, it doesn’t mean you don’t believe in Him, sometimes its just hard and you can tell him that and i promise God will refill you and give you all the grace you need to make it through. Isaiah 40:31 – “But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

God already knows every single detail about you (psalm 139), there’s nothing you can hide so, just be real with him. Every time i have told God that i needed Him, he has shown up. He loves you and He wants to be there for you. So Allow him to love you like only He can.

God bless.xx

Please be innocent.

Dear child,
From the moment I learn of your inception inside of me,
My spirit will grow new hands to hold and shield you with.
And though you would not be born into this world yet,
I will speak true and noble things into your precious soul.

Dear Child,
I will love you with all the purity my heart can possibly muster,
I will sing to you on rainy days and laugh with you in the shinning sun.
I will be the wall the fire has to burn down to get through to you,
Your heart, your mind and spirit will be surrounded by lovely virtue.

So when the world throws hypocrisy and cynicism at you,
I would have equipped you with enough truth and optimism.
When racism is served to you in the name of skin colour,
You will remember that who a person is on the inside is all that matters.

For as long as you allow me to, for as long as I possibly can,
I will keep your mind uncorrupted by evil and malice.
All the simple things will be what makes your life so great,
You will be beautiful in your imperfection ,You will accept yourself.

Dear child,
Cling to your innocence with your tender hands,
Because once you lose it, it is impossible to get it back.
As you grow older, innocence slips away a little more,
So enjoy the pleasure of just not knowing. Be a child.
Don’t grow up too fast but when you finally do,
Stay young at heart and forgive like a child would.
Innocence is beautiful, believe me, it really is.