My Acceptance Peace

I am at peace because I have finally accepted the imperfections in my blood.
And No! I am not just saying this. I have taken the time to consider the magnitude of this utterance.
I accept that my mother, my father and the bible have taught me the difference between right and wrong,
And I will honour their labour of love by striving to be in the right but sometimes I will choose wrong.
I accept that the fact that I love Jesus does not strip me of the stains in my heart or the darkness I will be fighting all of my days.
I accept that I am afraid of the future but oh! so excited for it; yet I must only live one day at a time.
I realize that even the people I love will hurt me and I will hurt the people who have decided to set up camp in my heart.
Hence, my life will always be a never ending cycle of love, hurt, forgiveness and love again,
I understand that I will not always be happy. I will not always “be in happy”,
Because happiness is not an exotic island, happiness is not a destination. I cannot travel there.
Some days life will bring me to my knees then push me to the ground but I will still breathe in hope like sweet oxygen,
I accept that some days will be harder than some others; I will even forget what patience means,
I will not always be sweet-kind-go-lucky, some days I will spell indifferent.
I have accepted that I am a human being.

I am three hundred and sixty five days of different emotions,
I am January 15, March 19, September 12, November 30, December 9 …. I am every single day
And I need to allow myself to be human.
I accept the responsibility to let myself grieve a lost love, to hurt from an unkind word, to cry when I am disappointed, to be angry when something is terribly unacceptable,
I accept that I do not always have to be in control and that some days my dreams will seem incredibly out of reach,
I understand the need to let it be. To let it be. To let everything and everyone be.
I accept that every day I will fight to be better, braver, stronger, and kinder
and soon I will evolve into the woman the stars have been shinning for.

Advertisements

In Loving Memory of who I was 3 years ago.

I think that videos, pictures and journals are ultimately important parts of our lives.
They capture us in a moment, a feeling, a phase, a season and most importantly, in our entirety.
They capture an outpour of happiness or rage, hope or fear or nothingness.
They capture us as girls or almost-women, boys or almost-men, or neither.
We are suspended in time in that one moment…and everything we are is captured as well.
All the things we believe about ourselves, all the things we are afraid of,
Our view of the world, our hopes… dreams… all caught in a single moment.

I was just watching a video I made 3 years ago and right from the sound of my voice I could tell that I am a different person from who i was then. I could actually hear it. I had just finished W.A.E.C, I was about to go home, but I decided to make a quick video of all my classmates (I’m so glad I did).

Looking at our due hairs, skinny wrists, makeup-free faces and extremely visible neck bones, I can see hope and exuberance for life glittering in our eyes. We were children so ready to take on the world, our dreams seemed attainable…. We didn’t want to write N.E.C.O, we just wanted to graduate from secondary school and face the world.

We would sit around in circles and talk about College; how we would dress, if we’d go to clubs or not, if we would date white boys or not and all the things we wanted to achieve. Renowned Lawyers, doctors, engineers, MBGNs, talk show hosts, politicians, C.E.Os. , As far as I can remember, we had big dreams. We all wanted to find true love, we all loved Jesus.

I spoke a little more pidgin English then, than I do now (I guess I realized I sounded awful so I just stopped). I had all these ideologies and beliefs on how the world should work. I had a picture in my head of how my life would play out. I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew I hated business. I didn’t like tattoos and I wanted to be a writer.

Zooming in on my classmates’ faces with my camera, I can see they all felt the way I did. We just couldn’t wait to be done with boarding school and all that came with it. We wanted to grow up and make our own decisions. In that classroom, *moving my camera from person to person* some were in love with people who didn’t love them back , some had people who loved them but they didn’t feel the same, some others wished someone would like them…. the others really didn’t care.

We had spent a maximum of six years in each other’s lives. We slept in the same dormitory, borrowed sports wear shorts and shirts, we made deals with our foods, we knew who liked Thursday fish and who didn’t, we knew our families, we played on the same soccer field, we knew our strengths and weakness, and we were family!

We are all different now. I am different. I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore. I think tattoos are cool. I love being a business student and I still want to be a writer (that hasn’t changed). I’m sure a lot of us have had a change of heart about a lot of things. We’ve grown and we’ve found ourselves. We’ve put on some weight and lost some. We understand that people are entitled to their own religious beliefs. Some have had questions about all we were taught at bible club… some have found answers. Some haven’t. Some smoke weed, drink lots of beer, and talk about sex alot.

We have seen that making friends is not as easy and we can’t stop reminiscing about high school days. We have seen that we owe the world our kindness and even good people are victims of tragedy. We realize we have to work extra hard to be extra ordinary and if we want success, we have to go out and find it.

I am sitting here looking at my sixteen-year-old self, listening to my voice and hearing my laugh. If there is one thing I would say to her, it would be, “life will push you and bend you but you won’t break, you will grow. You will be a witness to miracles and you will hear of tragedies… all of these will teach you to appreciate life. The pursuit of happiness is futile…. aim for wholeness. Do not wait for anyone … Chase your dreams no matter what! and Finally, Learn !…read !…write ! and grow!  Believe in that fire in your heart and in your eyes… most of all Believe in the one who put it there.”

And If there’s one thing I want from the girl in this video…. It is the fearlessness in her voice and in her spirit. The belief that she could do anything.. Be anything. I really want that back.

this isn’t a poem; it is anything you want it to be.

These days I do whatever I want, however I want and whenever I want to. I have no time fighting battles I shouldn’t be fighting. I am learning to trivialize issues that are trivial, learning to free my mind.

These days only a few people matter so much, hence only a few opinions actually matter. I have little to no expectations from most people, with the remaining few, i still have some expectations ,But in God, I place all my expectations. I know if i don’t get what I want, I probably didn’t need it or i’m getting something better. It still hurts, most times.

My relationship with God is the most important thing to me right now (it should always be the most important) . If I don’t stay connected to Him, everything falls apart but in Him, I am held together, I stay together.

Everyday,  i realize how imperfect i am, and i have decided to stop trying to fix things, I have decided to let it be. Imperfect is beautiful if you ask me (I hope you ask me). It is amazing how much beauty i get to see just by opening my eyes a little more.

The goal is to be the best i can be and make the best of all I have been given while I still have air filling my lungs. I have no rivals, no competitions all I have is one life, one heart and a voracious desire to live the best life possible…. one that will still shine long after i’m gone.

I do not have to prove anything to anyone but I do have one thing to prove to myself and that is that I can live my life fearlessly.

when are you going to write something new?

hey beautiful people, i know! i know i haven’t posted anything in over a month and some of you keep asking when i’ll write something new. the thing is, i have been writing; i just haven’t had time to type them up and all. School’s been taking up all of my time.

But i’ve been learning alot, there’s so much i have to share and i’ll try to post a bunch of stuff as soon as i can. i hope you are all doing great and i hope you’ve been encountering the love of God through the beauty of nature, friends and family. i have 🙂 .

i just thought i’d keep y’all posted. Thank you so much for your support.
God bless xx.

my annoying self.

people often ask how come im always in such good state with God and why I trust Him so much. Here’s the truth, im not always in good standing. Sometimes I mess up real bad, I do things I promised I wouldn’t do, I complain and nag etc. honestly, i am so annoying . But after all that I still go back to God. And I say, “hi God, I know ive messed up and its okay if you don’t want to talk… but I know you want to talk so please lets make things right”, I ask for forgiveness and move on like I did no wrong. Over time ive promised that I will never give up on me. I will never let my wrongs get in the way of my relationship with God. No matter what I do, no matter how annoying I get, ill still be back at God’s door every night . I know sometimes we feel like we done so much wrong and ure too filthy to talk to God. Lol! You shud see when im in that state. I walk straight to God and say,” I feel really filthy,please can u clean me up?” And He always does.

 

i dont care how messed up you are or what you did, All im tryin to say is everytime u do wrong, go to God first and say it like it is. Of course he will be disappointed but he loves you too much to stay mad at you. And once you ask for forgiveness, it is over, forgetten. It is finished.

 

you shud read… Psalm 103 vs 8-14